No excuses – flirty texting is cheating

Feb 17 • Featured, Uncategorized • 789 Views • 33 Comments on No excuses – flirty texting is cheating

Last night, thanks to the wonder that is Sky+, we recorded The Brits and were able to fast forward through most of the dross and watch the most interesting moments. (This left us with about 20 minutes of TV.)

One thing I was interested to see, of course, was Cheryl Cole's performance, which wasn't great. To me she seemed lacklustre, like she'd lost her usual spark. Hardly surprising when you consider what she's been going through over the past week following the latest revelations about Ashley and his habit of texting other women.

Meanwhile, yesterday I was sent a copy of Tess Daly's new book, The Baby Diaries. It's a beautiful book, with lots of mentions of Vernon Kay, but it was written, of course, before it emerged that Vernon is a textaholic. I wonder if she would write a slightly different book now.

Of course, none of us can know what's going on behind closed doors. But in my book, when a man 'flirts' with another woman in secret, behind his partner's back, either by sending her text messages, facebooking her or emailing her, he is effectively virtually cheating. If a deep emotional connection has started to develop, it can be very dangerous. And personally I'd find it a little hard to forgive.

What do you think?

written by Liz Jarvis


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33 Responses to No excuses – flirty texting is cheating

  1. Alison - Deer Baby says:

    Absolutely agree with you. They’d be packing their bags. Not sure if it would warrant the end of a marriage, especially when kids are involved, but there’d be some real questions of trust and betrayal. These poor women having to live it out in the public eye too.

  2. Potty Mummy says:

    Wow – the things you miss when you leave the country for a few weeks. I’m with you on this Liz; text flirting is no better than doing it in person. Worse, if anything, because it’s so underhand. I thank my lucky stars I wasn’t ‘out there’ when mobiles really took off though, because I see so many of my single friends falling foul of it, having really intense conversations by text and then wondering why everything falls flat and doesn’t work out in person. If you wouldn’t do it face to to

  3. Potty Mummy says:

    Sorry – hit the wrong button. What I was trying to say is that if something seems inappropriate if you’re face to face, then perhaps it shouldn’t be said via text / e-mail / phone, either… But then, that’s easy for me to say; I’m not in that situation.

  4. Victoria says:

    I think if you wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing something with your partner, then you shouldn’t do it. Obviously my friends tell me stuff I don’t pass on to my OH, but if he really wanted to know, I’d have no problem. If I’d been text flirting or tweeting, would I want to tell him about those conversations? Highly unlikely. Secrecy and lies are not a good foundation on which to base a relationship.

  5. Karin @ Cafe Bebe says:

    I feel that texting, emailing, Twittering, Facebooking behind your partner’s back IS cheating and that indicates that there’s something very wrong with that relationship. Why would your partner NEED to do those things behind your back if you had the perfect, healthy and cooperative relationship? That doesn’t mean that it’s the woman’s fault but it does mean that something major is missing from that relationship. I think sometimes this can happen as a result of parenthood but let me pose this thought…I’ve really become involved in blogging and Twitter since having my daughter. I have made some great new friends who I vent to sometimes about my hubby or being a SAHM and I wouldn’t share THAT with my hubby most of the time. Am I "cheating" on my hubby with my Twitter girlfriends? I spend time on the computer most nights when I could be cuddling up with my hubby. What does that say for me?? I don’t know…evenings are the only time I can be productive as Little Miss is asleep. Am I cheating as well?? I don’t really think so but shouldn’t I speak to my husband instead of tweeting about him? My hubby doesn’t read my blog (that I know of) but I always bear in mind "If he did read it, what would he think". Maybe that’s why I need Twitter a bit…it is my "locker room" so to speak…my place that’s only mine in which to vent. I’m no Vernon Kay but maybe we all should look into our own relationships in light of what’s being played out in the media??

  6. Very Bored in Catalunya says:

    Agree with everyone else. If you are sending sexy texts to other people – god especially if you’re also sending pictures of you in your grundies, then you are cheating. Maybe you won’t go all the way but in Cheryl’s case you would never believe that something more hadn’t happened. My OH would be minus a couple of appendages if I ever found he’d been texting another woman inappropriately.

  7. TheMadHouse says:

    IMHO Once you start normalising the cruddy behaviour then you are on a slippery slope. It is not acceptable to ahve an emotional affair, text affair or any other type of affair. These people think that there positions make them above and beyond reproach and it isnt the case. They should try harder. They are in the public eye, they need to set good examples for the yooth of today!! Anyway what I am trying to say, is it is a big no no to be. How can anyone read Tess’ book now without laughing behind their hand, she was athome looking after the childre, whilst he was having his virtual fun with his phine. It isnt acceptable and when does the line between virtual and reality change. no, no, no

  8. New Mummy says:

    My OH would be missing his manhood if he had been sending flirty texts behind my back.

  9. Natalie says:

    Texting is dangerous. I come across so many women in particular, who end up falling foul of what I call ‘lazy communication’ which like Potty Mummy mentioned, is when they think they’re having great communication, most of it via text with a guy and it ends up as nothing. This just goes to show how much people believe that texting is important, which is all the more reason why Vernon and Ashley, who to be fair, the latter by now should really know better, are very out of order. Cheating is basically a very passive aggressive way of rebelling behind your partners back. If you are flirting with someone via text or whatever form of communication it takes, it’s really disrespectful. These ‘celebrities’ have narcissistic tendencies – they think they’re above reproach and outwitting everyone. But you have to be pretty dumb to be sending flirty and saucy text messages to page 3 girls and not think there is a likelihood that you’ll be found out – unless you have an extremely large ego. Didn’t these guys learn anything from Tiger Woods? These guys are getting an ego stroke – looking for attention because they want more than they have. You don’t have to have sex to cheat – many relationships have ended based on emotional cheating. It’s a respect thing and when you have no respect in a relationship, you’re in shark infested waters.

  10. Potential Mummy B says:

    I think that text flirting is definitely cheating. It may not be on the same scale as actually sleeping with another person but when all is said and done it is disrespectful of one’s partner and therefore should not happen. I know I would never do that to my hubs and vice versa. We have too much respect. My mantra for respecting my marriage is that if I wouldn’t like it if hubs did X then I don’t do X. Simple. Relationships (with anyone) are built on trust and respect. If one partner is hiding stuff like sexy texts from the other then that trust and respect is damaged. Naughty boys!

  11. sam says:

    Absolutely agree – wouldn’t stand for it. Potential Mummy B has nailed it – if you wouldn’t like it done to you – then don’t do it. Respect!

  12. notsupermum says:

    I agree with everyone else, texting, emailing, and flirting is dangerous and a man who wasn’t ‘tempted’ wouldn’t do it. By doing these things you are showing that you are available – and why would you do that if you were happy at home? As someone has already said, if you can’t be open about it with your partner then you’re on a slippy slope.

  13. J says:

    I would forgive him yes, but I’d like to think my husband is a bit too sophisticated to get his kicks from texting some fake tanned page three bimbo who cannot spell. Why would I forgive him? Because I love and respect him. We have three children and he’s a good man. He’s also human and we all make mistakes. I enjoy a bit of e-mail flirtation with other men, but I never write anything I wouldn’t want my husband to see. I don’t really view sex text as cheating – is it that different to pornography? I wouldn’t mind a bit of text sex myself, although I am more of a Shakespearian sonnets kind of a girl, than a ‘send me flesh’ one.

  14. Manda says:

    Might as well jump into bed with them! HUGE no!

  15. says:

    it’s just too easy to do stuff nowadays isn’t it? PAYG mobiles, email, twitter, skype etc, porn on yr home computer. Nobody ha sto sneak into a public shop & sneak a mag off the top shelf. Nobody has to find a phone box or send a letter. It involved more effort to cheat in the past & you cdn’t conduct an affair from yr own home by phone, or computer etc. I agree with all that’s been said. I think it’s cheating, it does suggest there’s a problem either in the marriage or in where one’s security/self esteem lies or having a fragile ego etc. You don’t have to have sex to be cheating, emotional cheating is still that.

  16. Emily O says:

    Love New Mummy’s comment! Yes sex texting is another way to be unfaithful. If you want to do it, why not do it with the person you’re with? I really wanted Cheryl Cole to dump Ashley live on the Brits last night, that would have been brilliant television! Like you I thought she looked lacklustre too. I’m guessing she must really love her husband, otherwise why else would she still be with him?

  17. mizzpink says:

    I am of the same opinion as most of you, I think it is not appropriate behaviour and should not be tolerated (i agree with New Mummy on that one, manhood in ablender if I ever caught my OH). Its a betrayal of trust and certainly makes you look guilty of ‘proper’ cheating even if it didn’t go further than the texts.

  18. nappyvalleygirl says:

    I think it definitely constitutes cheating, because it’s sneaking around behind your wife’s back and not being honest. It’s worse than flirting at a party in front of your wife – although that’s definitely a warning sign. And one suspects that if they thought they could get away with it, quite a few of these blokes would actually be physically cheating too…..they’re just too scared.

  19. Brit In Bosnia says:

    It’s the thought that counts… they were definitely thinking it.

  20. Kim says:

    Absolutely – having recently experienced this myself, I can tell you that the sense of betrayal from an emotional/virtual affair was no less damaging than if my boyfriend had physically cheated. Dishonest, dishonorable behavior is dishonest, dishonorable behavior, no matter how you slice it. If a man flirts in secret, he’s effectively "testing the waters" with another woman and cannot be trusted.

  21. Crystal Jigsaw says:

    I agree; it could be seen as adulterous. It should certainly be seen as wrong. I have to say, can’t stand the Brits!! But did watch Robbie Williams and loved his performance, so enjoy his music. CJ xx

  22. Becky says:

    my husband reunited with an old flame through FB and then suddenly agreed to a separation and almost immediately jumped into bed with her…

  23. BlokieBlokeBloke says:

    ok, this might seem a bit tangental to the whole discussion (and i agree that sexting with another woman/man is a betrayal, plain and simple) but why is it ok for women to mention possible acts of violence against a disloyal husband? i know most (hopefully) of the ladies here who’ve made such statements would, as likely as not, refrain from actually mutilating an errant partner… but if the discussion went the other way and i said something like "If I found out my wife was having text sex with another fella, I’d give her a slap!"… well… the wrath that would be unleashed on me doesn’t bare thinking about. and i hasten to add, i’m not likely to ever hit my wife, no matter what she’d do! last time i hit someone, i was 9… and he was picking on me, so he had it coming… like i said, i know it’s a bit off topic, but i’m just curious…

  24. sam says:

    That’s exactly the comment I would expect from my husband – and in a sense you are right. However – and please do correct me with the facts if I am wrong as I’m not an oracle on this – but I would imagine that the act of domestic violence against women is far more common than mutilation of errant husbands/partners. Flippant though the comment may be, I think it’s obvious to all that that is ALL it is…Joking about domestic violence against women, however, will evoke a strong reaction among women the world over who have either suffered under the strong arm of a man or who know someone close to them who have – that is why it evokes the wrath you speak of so glibly Blokieblokebloke…

  25. BlokieBlokeBloke says:

    true enough. a woman following a man down an unlit road is just someone going in the same direction. a man following a woman might be something less benign. however, as i said, while i could safely put money on the fact that of all of the women that made comments like that, none of them aree likely to do something so bloodthirsty, i still think it’s an interesting trend, socially. a case in point… i’m sure i’d be laughed at by some guys for saying this, but i think women make better drivers than men. for the most part. they’re more careful, take fewer stupid and unnecessary risks than men and generally don’t think tailgating someone at near supersonic speeds is the way to get to your destination quicker. but in the last decade or so, my GOD have they gotten just as rude and impatient and arrogant as men. i suppose what i’m getting at is that equality doesn’t always work out the way you expect. i say all of this from the point of view of being a (hopefully) decent, sensitive, considerate guy who has gotten a little weary over the years of saying something non-PC and obviously in jest about the fairer sex and been then treated like a chauvanist bottom-feeder forevermore and yet when the tables are turned there’s laughs and knowing winks abounding, any guy that objects is seen as a whinging killjoy. and before anyone raises this point, i don’t think women shouldn’t make remarks like that… not at all. flippant, cheeky banter from either sex is harmless and makes the day pass quicker. i just wish it cut both ways more often. granted, where acts of violence are mentioned, the dark spectre of it actually being a genuine threat when a guy says it is very real. i just find it happens in almost every area of conversation now. sweeping/funny/mocking/downright offensive generalisations can be made about men and one is expected to take it on the chin, no matter in what context they are made. put the boot on the other foot though… anyway, as i said before, i know this is off topic and no offense was intended (and none taken). i just wonder when i hear comments like that lately. ’nuff said

  26. Sam says:

    …and before we go from the sublime to the ridiculous and get to the subject of why is it that only a man can be accused of rape or indeed rape of a man – I can see that you are a decent man, and am still wondering whether you are not actually my husband after all! You absolutely do have a point. I find it terribly sad that equality has given us (women:)) so much and yet taken so much with it. My husband has spoken of avoiding chivalry in the name of chauvinism – for fear of getting a mouthful if he dare offer a woman a seat, or open a door. It is a shame too that the banter you speak of, that I remember being passed between BOTH sexes as a youngster, is no longer acceptable…I know some women would never agree…I could go on and on on this topic, but my son needs to get on Club Penguin, but hey what do you think? Maybe us girls should reconsider making statements like that – in days gone by such comments by a woman would have been frowned upon for not being vulgar and unladylike…

  27. Sam says:

    TYPO…for BEING vulgar and unladylike – sorry for the error there!!!!!!!

  28. BlokieBlokeBloke says:

    i alway say (jokingly) that i don’t believe in sexual equality because how can you have equality between two things that are inherently NOT equal… and i make that statement without a gender preference. i do agree with equality however, though i don’t believe in political correctness. as far as i’m concerned, it’s removing all the fun and nuance out of being different; man or woman, heterosexual or homosexual, english, irish, american, african, chinese, eskimo, white, black, yellow or orange (in the case of jordan). all have strengths but all are deserving of mockery in some measure… perhaps jordan more than the rest… so i say make fun of the other gender… let women make their thinly veiled threats of genital mutilation that they’ll never follow up, let them cackle at fellas, allow them the freedom to roll their eyes and make that humphing noise followed by "men… they’re all the same"… but when i make my (hilarious) jokes about how many women does it take to put in a lightbulb, please at least trrrry to laugh! please! 😉 btw, i don’t think i’m your husband. my wife would have told me to stop talking s***e by now!

  29. Tattie Weasle says:

    Sexting – BIG no no if you are already attached. Otherwise great fun! As for women becoming as "inverted commas" bad as men then that is not because of equality but just a decline in manners and self restraint. And it is not as if men are BAD anyway just the ones who are deficient in, you guessed it, manners….

  30. amy says:

    i would be so upset if i caught my hubby sexting, it is as bad as cheating and even worse if a relationship has grown from all the contact. Vernon should be ashamed especially for making her book look like 1big sham xxx

  31. Debs says:

    I’m not famous, but it’s happening to me right now. I’m totally crushed and devastated

  32. dosserka says:

    well I just discovered my Fiancee got a ‘number’ and texted it with the intention of…I don’t know. He has always gone on about cheating as the worst possible thing to do to each other sop I never expected this of him. I nearly vomited when I opened his i phone to play a game and found a string of explicit texts to this person along with dirty pictures of her that she sent to him. To make things worse she is a prostitute! Ok – so I know he would never actually go to her – and believe me, I am not naive – but H2b is so shy he wouldn’t have the courage., But obviously the annonymity of texting does it for him. I amn heartbriken. It’s nearly worse than cheating because it was a conscious act that was followed through on – not like a drunken snog in a nightclub. I feel like my own ocnfidence has takena knock now, because it’s obviously a side of himself he can not share with me. We used to do the kinky texting back in the day – but living together 9 months and engaged a couple of weeks, well I didn’t think reality would be this quick. I dunno – I’m not even making sense here, I just don’t know how to move past this. We just put a deposit on our wedding, he says he loves me. He cried when I confronted him, I know he loves me – but I can’t help feeling like I’m a disguisting slob who can’t turn her boyfriend on. I can’t get undressed in front of him, I can’t imagine ever sleeping with him without wondering if he’s picturing other women or comparing me. So how do you move past this? This has rocked my world and I just don’t know what to do or where to turn.

  33. Manda - Flyingstartmag says:

    Very interesting point! Suppose a man would get slammed right down for stating such a thing! (Domestic violence n all that) Us women can joke about it without a flutter of an eye lid!


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